I couldn't sleep. I've felt distant from the peace and presence of God today, and I know that Whit posted to pray for me as I was feeling particularly weak. Your prayers are very much appreciated and they were answered as I felt a constant tugging on my heart from God pretty much all day to just get into the Bible, but I allowed myself to be occupied, there were apparently more important things for me to do than get to know my creator and to draw near to Him. I guess i didnt know where to start, so as we got into bed, i told Whit exactly that. I said, "whit, i want to read about God's promises, i want to read about God's character, i just want to read about something encouraging, i dont know what exactly i need, i just want to read and i dont know where to start." So being the amazing wife she is, she pointed me to psalm 40 as it really spoke to her these past few days and has helped her when she felt distant from God's peace. So thats where i started. I felt encouraged immediately and kept reading. Then I hit psalm 42:
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. (v.2)
God, I've tasted your goodness, I've felt your presence, I need your strength, God be near, just wrap me in your arms tonight, tell me stories of old, tell me about how you took Moses and taught him to lead a nation, tell me about how you healed the sick, tell me about the disciples, tell me what they were like, tell me stories I've never heard before of your lovingkindness, God I thirst for you! I desire your presence! Just be near...
My tears have been my food day and night. (v.3).
I've cried more tears than ever before, and it feels that I just wait for the next breakdown, the next tough question, maybe its my turn to be the strong one, maybe its my turn to breakdown, but this cycle hasn't stopped...
These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God, with the voice of thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival. (v.4)
It feels like an eternity ago when I was confident in leading worship, praising you was so easy when there was nothing going on, when things were good, I felt connected, I felt like a part of the church praising You. It's hard to feel connected, no one understands, no one can...
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence. (v.5)
But God, my hope is in You, and your love never fails. Lord, speak to my soul, remind me, remind every part of me that You are my hope...
O my God, my soul is in despair within me; therefore I remember You... (v.6).
Let me remember that you are using Thatcher to reach the world, remind me that Thatcher is already defying doctors and let me remember his precious hand covering his beautiful face as we watched him suck his thumb. Remind me that You are working and that you have provided evidence of that at every turn
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All of Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me. (v.7)
Remind me that I feel your presence when I worship you, that when I draw near to You, You are there, You rain down your presence, and I'm flooded with your warmth, your physical warmth and love overwhelms me. That is what I long for.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life. (v.8)
Let my heart praise you day and night, Lord for You are with me...
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God. (v.11)
Regardless of my circumstance or situation, I know that You are in control. Even when I doubt, when I breakdown and question everything, even then, You are in control. You are sovereign, and You will draw me back, and my soul will praise You yet! God, I know that you can heal Thatcher, I am praying and believing that You will heal Thatcher in accordance to your will, whatever that looks like.
Thank you for your Word, thank you that You are alive and You are using the church to minister to me, thank you that the Word is alive and that You speak through Your Word. I pray for rest, and I pray for protection and strength tonight and tomorrow for Whit and I. To You be all the glory, for You are worthy of all praise and honor.